Pẹlẹ o!... مرحبا! ... 여보세요! ... 你好 ... Hello! ... ہیلو ... नमस्कार ... ¡Hola! ... Mholweni! ... Sawubona! ... Bonjour! ... Hallo! ... สวัสดี! ... שלום!

2021 While Black

I am one singular black voice, and that cannot be overstated. My experience is uniquely my own, and I happen to be a black woman in my late 30's. I do not speak for all mid aged black women; I speak only for myself. 

Now that the most poignant and obvious is out of the way, allow me to let you in on my experience in this present age as a black soul. 

I am afraid for my life and the lives of those I love all the time. My blackness has never been the psychological issue it is now.  I remember being taught in school that racism of this kind was settled during the civll rights movement. However, not only is that not true, it was never true even when I thought it was. 

I grew up in a white conservative upper class suburb and in the 1990's I used to think that black people could advance with enough access to Christian values and communities. I believed that Black folks in the hood were at fault for the violence and poverty they experienced. But I woke up to the truth and the illusion was shattered. Simply going to college and studying sociology taught me that Black people exist in a losing framework and beating the statistics makes a person an "anomaly" by definition. In other words, it is mathmatically abnormal for a black person to outperform his white counterpart--if and when it happens it is the exception and not the rule--period. Is this because we are genetically, or cognitively inferior? This theory has been tested and there is no definitive evidence that proves that black people are more prone to deviant behavior or are cognitively or physically inferior to their white counterparts. 

So what's the issue? Institutional racism and a lack of reparations is the issue, and we are forced to grin and bear our pain while it is still being inflicted upon us. While we are still witnessing our sisters and brothers getting murdered online. While there are multiple shootings every week. While there are still T+++p flags, yellow "Don't tread on me" signs, pro-gun bullet bumper stickers, strange defaced and defiled black and white flags with blue in the middle representing a new amerikkka and "good" and "bad" cops littered all over the road while I run errands with my kids and fear for our lives. I hold my terror in while my kids enjoy normalcy underneath my wing.  

I don't want to leave the house unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary. The kids have noticed that we do so much less. There is a civil war in progress just because we (black people) want to stop being killed, and this is too much. I must be strong because this is just too much. Often I think of buying land and disappearing and living in a black queer utopia where we are free of the bigots and the violence, but it seems that any vision like that only exists in white worlds. I'll see these hippie communes and rainbow meetings and I don't see any black people there, and if black people started coming or gathering anywhere in large numbers, we would never be left alone. (Black wall street in Oklahoma, the Black Panthers in the 1970's, and "Move" in Philadephia are just three of many examples of the US government destroying any attempts at black utopia, unity and organization). I begin resenting whites of ALL INTERSECTIONS for the freedom they don't even realize they enjoy. This part bothers me the most; good people don't deserve to be hated. 

This is not a scholarly article nor should it be used as a reference for anything other than my own pain.  I suffered from depression and anxiety before 2016.  But after the election of a mad man, Covid-19, and the current civil war it's a struggle to keep it together some days. I wish the right would understand that I just want to be left alone. If I'm black, queer, or female, none of that has ANYTHING to do with YOU. Why does my existence and those who are not like you threaten you? All we want is for the likes of you hateful people to fuck off. That's it. Leave us alone. When your gay, trans, black, and queer children keep leaving you and killing themselves will you then reconcile with reality? Why do we ALL have to live in the dark ages with conservative Christians, Zionists, and Theists? If queer folks built an island, queer kids worldwide would try to escape to that place, and then their bigoted family members and bigoted government would destroy that place. 

Will there ever be a time when those who just want to live in peace will be able to do so? 

Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published